5 day weekend down the drain

I think we had a couple of days we needed.  The weather got cold, and I spent time in my happy place, cooking for my people.  And the dogs might have gotten a little bite or 2 of leftovers.  I was happy to have very little going on and stay mostly at home this weekend.  We finished our sacristan duties, just in time for advent. We are going to help with vacuuming this month, since aunt Karen is still not able to do it.  I am happy that she is doing the rest though, as I am just not up to date on changing alter cloths and making things match and be set up for the season. 

I know that we are supposed to be preparing for Christmas (the coming of Christ into our lives) during advent, but it always feels like a timer to me.  Like a giant finger pointing at me screaming “you aren’t ready….you have not done the things you promised yourself you would do this time last year.”  There were no monthly gifts purchased and wrapped so that the stress of the season is less.  There are no cards written or Christmas decorations up or even thought of.  There is no planning that has been started.  Just the way it always is for me.  I suppose it is time to get honest and just admit defeat.  I will always swing by the seat of my pants, doing everything last minute.  Scurrying around with too many things on my list, too many things I want to do, too many things to accomplish, too much year end work to do at my office to feel good about taking a day off.  Too much.  Add in school schedules, and kid needs for their parties and pajama days and movie viewing days and bowling parties. And one certain child who has decided to do the 3 week girl’s junior high wrestling season, about 24 band and choir concerts, 5 birthdays complete with parties, the expected new grandson ,  and a partridge in a pear tree.  I’m dizzy.  But I also know that Jim will step in and take over half of the things.  He will make sure that it gets done.  He will take my lists and my hiney,  load us in the car and help me accomplish every last thing because that is what he does.  Which is why I spent the weekend cooking for him- so that he has the strength to take my disaster and turn it right side up.  ;) 

Our mass this morning was offered for my grandparents and brother.  It caught me off guard and I had already been feeling a little off kilter.  In order to keep myself from just losing it, I started concentrating on Sunday dinner.  I was completely spaced off thinking about chili and baked potato bar.  Am I going to get to heaven dreaming about Chili in church?  I don’t know. But some days call for a pot of chili simmering on the stove, and this was one such day.  Evelyn even told me it was super good chili.  And if you want to know a true food critic, it is Evie.  Having the kids over brightened the day up and I am feeling a lot more positive this evening.  I love these little people.  What a blessing to have them in our lives!  

Evie was making us “bowls of ice cream” and then laughing like a hyena because it was some slime foam that Saige has.  Wrenley came in, showed me her jeans, and then said she was hot and stripped down to her diaper.  Seriously, get ya some grandkids.  It’s the best thing in entertainment. 

Back to reality I guess.  I was told to go start up the bus  and make sure it was going to run (the temperature dropped pretty significantly this weekend).  It started right up.  Darn it.  I owe I owe- it’s off to work I go.  

 

A little bit of my Thanksgiving brain

 

I have been deep in thought this Thanksgiving.  It has been weird for me. Tying to  be thankful, trying to count my blessings, trying to carry on tradition while also feeling a deep sense of sorrow at the empty seat that I can’t help but notice at our table this year. 

It is hard to grieve and feel blessed in the same timeframe for me.  I feel guilt at being the one who gets to carry on. At being left here to know my grandkids, and to be the one who gets to watch Clayton grow.   I’m feeling a little bit angry over the fact that I don’t feel like Eric’s life here should be over. But the problem is that those aren’t my decisions to make.  I don’t get to have any power over when people are born or when people die.  And I guess we are supposed to just accept it in blind faith. But I can’t accept it.  I can’t just say oh gee this is somehow God’s will and I am good with it.  Circle back to guilt.  Death is weird. It is messy and emotional and frustrating and filled with all the what if’s and the shoulda couldas.  And you cannot shut it off.  And about the time you think you have mastered your thoughts on it, bedtime hits and you lay there with your brain in the dark of night starting the whole thing over again. I can’t forget.  I can’t not be there for Clayton and my parents. I can’t not carry on traditions for my own kids and grandkids. I don’t want to stop living my life in a thankful way. Because I knew my brother. I know how life threw crap at him and yet he was never really angry, he expressed his anger in deep sorrow, and I think he would be very sad if we just stopped living because he was gone.  And I like to think he is with my grandparents and all my other relatives who have gone before us.  I hope they celebrate holidays playing  cards, and too many people,  and too much food and a few drinks  the way we always have.  I hope he is happy somewhere. Somehow. 

When Covid got bad people kept saying  “this is our new normal” and honestly that phrase pissed me off like nothing else about it did.  But now I keep thinking this is our new normal. And it still pisses me off.  I don’t like new normal.  I want things the way they have always been. I was am exceptionally lucky person,  to grow up the way I did. Surrounded by people who loved me.  To marry a man who loves me and our kids. Always with enough.  And I have worked really hard to make sure my own kids have enough.  Enough love. Enough of our attention. Enough food and warmth and the right supplies and clothes for whatever was happening.   And in a world where I have been this privileged, I think I am not very good at accepting when things aren’t perfect.  An inadequacy of mine. Something to work on I guess.  At the end of my days, I hope I will be judged for the effort put in, and not the results of my actions. 

Also this Thanksgiving, I have been saying some extra prayers for my friend Grace and her husband James.  He was diagnosed with leukemia.  He is spending the holidays in the hospital.  The type of leukemia he has is very aggressive, but also very treatable as long as you find it early, and treat it aggressively.  It is hard to have loved ones be sick and in the hospital, and it is hard to think about any outcome that is not positive.  I am praying for both of them, and for healing for James.  

Everything is worth  it when I sit beside all of my people and see how much love there is surrounding us. 

Turkey day

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  Mallory spent Wednesday here making desserts and pies.  We were entertained seeing how long Olive will stare at a ball before you throw it.  Answer- a very long time.  

Colin and Spencer stayed in Wichita.  Preston and Sunny went to Sterling.  The rest of our crew was here.  My mom and sister and Jim’s mom and brother and sister in law joined us for lunch.  Madison and Mallory did most of the work. Which I appreciated.  

It was a good day.  Filled with family, food and good conversations.  A few games and then dinner made of leftovers.  I am very thankful and abundantly blessed.