My little brother

 Today (yesterday- I guess it is passed midnight now) was not a good day in our family.  My brother passed away.  Last week, he had a major stroke.  He spent the last week in ICU at KU medical center.  He received excellent, compassionate care.  Everything was done, tried, prayed about, cried over, asked and begged for.  but it wasn’t a fixable situation.  My “little brother” is gone.  A hole that isn’t fillable is left here.  

My brother was really good at 3 things -

** helping people.  Not later.  Not when he got around to it. Now. If you called him, he was on his way.  No questions asked - he was in the truck, headed to you.  He never asked to be repaid. He never made you feel bad about asking, he never held it over your head, he never stopped coming no matter how many times you asked.  No matter how much you screwed up- he was on his way. 

**being a farmer - my  brother, at 5 years old informed my mom he didn’t need to start kindergarten, he was going to be a farmer.  My mom replied with - yeah well, farmers have to be able to read the farm report.  At 8, he informed her he could read and would go ahead and drop out. Farming was his only career goal, his only livelihood and his only true passion. He was a farmer. He liked farm stuff.  Liked to talk about farming and cows. When he was younger, he spent a long time traveling with a harvest crew. He saw a good portion of the country.  When he got back, he asked me if I wanted to see pictures of his trip.  He then showed me a pile of photos, all the same/ all of his combine with a peanut head on it, a cotton head on it, a corn head on it, or whatever other thing they had, and one photo of a woman who traveled with them and she did their laundry, cooked their meals and took care of them.  I wasn’t expecting anything else, but thought geez- you just saw the entire country- maybe a scenic Mountain View, or a cool sunrise could have been thrown in there? 

And **he was a great dad to his only son, Clayton  in October 2010, my brother stopped in my office   He had never randomly stopped in before, and he’s never stopped in since, but he stopped to tell me about his newborn son   I will tell you he was glowing   I wish I had thought to take a picture-   he was giddy, excited and overjoyed at the birth of that baby   And it never changed   He was proud of his son.   He loved him unconditionally, and it showed  

Eric was a good man   Nothing about this feels right  nothing about it is right   We are not ok   I am not ok   

Will I ever be?  No….I will be better but I will always carry this day  - it is imprinted in my mind and on my soul forever   My brother was  fun guy  with a million crazy stories, a million odd things that had happened to him and  we often laughed at his tales of misfortune   Today it just isn’t funny   Tomorrow- maybe   

One thing I know about bad days is that they don’t last   My brother will be remembered with fondness  and love   And the knowledge that he would not want us to cry for very long.  He would want us to carry on   Feed the cows  take care of each other  and watch over Clayton  and we will  - tomorrow   For today I’m just going to sit here and cry a little bit   

***

Gender reveal day

Today we attended a Gender reveal party for our newest family member.  And now we know that we will be blessed with our first  grandson!  I wish I had video of Colin’s reaction. He was pretty pumped!  

I have never been to a gender reveal party before. This was my first one ever.  I think they did an awesome job planning it and I think it is cool that Colin had his brothers help him with it.  I am so excited!   I love babies!   And I can’t wait to see the adventures this family has because of this child coming into it.  I can’t wait to meet our sweet new grandson!  

Other things - because if I’m posting I might as well do it completely.   Sasquatch lamp adventures- I bought Cameron a lamp for his new end table.  It got stuck in customs and I got a message it was delayed.  Then I got a message that they were refunding my money. Then I got the lamp in the mail.  So weird.  Cameron’s table is going to look stunning!  

It has been quite a week around here.  For obvious reasons. But also for the fact that we are all tired. Running back and forth, trying to work and keep up with life and feeling like I was juggling alligators and then someone threw in swords that are on fire.  I was having a moment on Wednesday. I spent my lunch break (that is 2 hours) working in the yard and watering things and making lists for the girls so I could leave after the bus route to go to be with my brother who is still in the ICU in KC.  I usually bring the dogs inside when I am leaving - especially Maude because she gets under the vehicles.  I needed to leave for the afternoon bus route in about 10 minutes. She comes running - with a fish hook in her lip.  Didn’t seem to be bothering her at all.  I tried to get it out. Nope.  Jim tried to get it out while I held her down. We could neither hold her down nor get it out. When I left on the bus, Jim very kindly took her to see old Dr Sanders.  And then took her to Casey’s for beef jerky.  She doesn’t seem to be even remotely affected by this experience.  

My family has also been sitting at my brother’s beside as the hospital tries to save his life.  That is the goal of hospitals I guess.  Unfortunately, my brother doesn’t seem to be improving. While I do not know what the future holds, I do feel that we are at a critical junction where major decisions will have to be made.  These decisions will be life altering for every single person involved.  And frankly, not a single one of the alternatives is good.  I have no words for the sadness and the devastation we are experiencing right now.  But one thing I have seen is that my family is filled with love and mercy and we stick together.  I feel lucky to be a part of that.  Even though the outcome isn’t looking bright, I feel like having an amazing family is a huge blessing.  

 

Well….

I mentioned that last week was rough.  I was not correct.  Last week was good.  I apologize in advance for where this is going.  

The man on the right is my brother, Eric.  This week, he had a massive stroke.  He is currently in the ICU in Kansas City receiving treatment.  While I am not a doctor, to me things look fairly dire.  Sure, sometimes miracles happen, and we are definitely praying for that.  Eric is one of the kindest people, with the biggest hearts you will ever meet.  He is a good dad and would help anyone with anything they needed.  An honest to God shirt off his own back kind of person.  He has saved me more times than I care to think about - from a dead transmission on the turnpike, to a bus stuck to it's axles by a sister who thought she could turn around in a flood in a pasture entrance.  He never says much, sort of giggles and then helps you.  He might point it out later when he is telling "dumb junk people have done" stories, but he doesn't make you feel too bad about it!  Anyway, if you are the praying type, Eric could use all he can get.  Clayton could use a few as well as we navigate this.  

The unknown is always hard for me.  I am a 'fixer' kind of person.  If its broken, you repair it.  You tell me what the problem is, we find a solution.  I am not a patient person either.  I want all the answers today, so I can plan out what steps we need to take and how we are going to navigate the future.  Total type A personality.  Sometimes you can't plan everything.  There are no check lists here.  There is not order or planning or fixing to this.  I have often joked that the worst thing you can ask me to do is wait.  Unfortunately, that is what we are all doing.  Waiting to see.  Life can change in a second.  We have to remember that and be present with our love, tell our people, and live every moment.  Loving people is the greatest gift, but it is also the worst pain when things go wrong.  I am not ok.  I will be, but for now, I am not ok.  

But what I do have is distractions.  A kitten, found by my friend's son who is a lineman.  They moved some equipment.  Four hours down the road, and this kitten drops out of his stuff.  Obviously not old enough to be on its own.  He saved it, but they wanted help to bottle feed it.  They would also like to have it back when she is bigger, so a perfect scenario for me.  I love to feed babies.  I love watching them grow and develop.  And this is a good distraction right now.  They named this baby Sparky.  I think she is a girl, but I could be wrong.  So far, she is eating well and is super sweet - already purring when she eats and is happy to see you!  Quincy has been a Godsend on helping me with her - going above and beyond the call of duty to do night shift and times when I am gone.  Seriously though, who doesn't love a sweet baby kitten?  Oh right, Maude, who thinks this looks like a delicious snack! 

Also, Monday was Preston's first day of his junior year at KSU.

And Sunny's first day of her junior year as well.  Thank you for the first day pics Sunny!  

I hope you both have an amazing year!  Love you both!

Harper is going on the 2026 CWF trip.  She has been meeting with her group, and raising money.  She  is excited to go.  Unfortunately, 4-H has gone through some changes and budget cuts lately.  The National 4-H Foundation has done away with the CWF trip of the past - the one that was so much fun and so awesome.  They used to get together with certain other states from around the country.  They would meet together and learn about how a bill is written.  Then they would meet with their senators and representatives and talk to them about bills they had on the floor.  Then they would come together and have a mock congressional session and pass bills that they had created.  They also toured DC, and had other activities.  It was a wonderful program and an amazing experience.  Ia m so sad Saige and Harper wont' get to experience it.  They are going to take these kids to  DC and tour everything and meet their congresspeople though.  It will be a shorter trip since they won't' have the conference parts.  I hope it will be fun for her.  They are going to try to have a few more meetings to have the kids learn the same things, but it won't be kids from all over the country.  Anyway, she had a meeting for that on Sunday and I was so proud of her - she is shy and having to do speeches is hard for her, but she jumped right in there and gave a speech about her tourist location - the Nati9onal Cathedral.  

While we were at the meeting, Jim and Andrew went fishing.  Jim caught this carp.  He was very excited about it.  I guess it was pretty large.  

Before I left, I gave the girls hair trims.  It is weird how much older Wrenley looked when I got done.  

This week has been cooler, the mornings have been almost chilly.  Which is why I thought the girls were cray when they asked if they could swim.  I told them I would come watch from the pool deck, but no way was I getting in that water!  They didn't last too long, but they did swim!  I don't know whether to wish for more warm weather or not.  It is definitely nicer driving the bus when it is cooler!  But I wasn't done using the pool yet!  

This blog post was a nice distraction, but now I must return to reality.  I want my money back on this week - it was definitely not what I paid for! 

 

Game day! Irish style

Last week was a little rough. When I left for my afternoon bus route yesterday, I told Jim when I got home I was going to lay in the pool.  When I got done laying in the pool, I was going to lay on the couch until it was time to go to bed.  And I meant it.  I did take a momentary break from laying low  to cook dinner, but I repurposed leftovers and made some rice. Nobody complained and nobody tried to get me to do anything else. I think they all felt about the same way. My mom used to tell me she was going to give me an attitude adjustment - but she wasn’t here.  I think it was just pure physical and mental exhaustion.  

This morning, before the sun was up, Carlos was barking and woke me up.  I got up in a mood and briefly thought about strangling him.  But he has this way of acting like he is my biggest defender that makes me laugh, and I am generally a fairly happy and content person. So I shook myself off and told myself I had been in a funk long enough. Time to bunk up, be productive and stop being a hot mess. 

And so I put on my shoes, in the semi- daylight, and went outside to put my hands in the dirt.  I propagated strawberries, moved the babies around, filled in the spaces I had left in my raised beds.  I did the same with the blackberries.  I fertilized all the raised beds. I marveled at the fact that I finally have cantaloupe and squash coming on.  I helped the girls with chores and played with the dogs. I picked tomatoes and peppers. I got the pool going.  I texted with Cameron which is always funny.  I started the laundry and sat on my patio oasis watching the dogs run around. And then I made salsa with produce I grew myself.  A happy feeling for me. And I took a break and watched the KSU game with Jim. And all was right in the world again.  

I even got Quincy to help me carry in the free tank.  I’ve been painting and planning for the set up for weeks, just haven’t had the time to actually do it.   And yes, I know the water is black.  My intent with this one is to set it up for  African cichlids.  They like to live with a sand bottom.  I had some pool sand left over from changing the filter. I was researching if that would work and found that while it would work, it would also show every bit of fishy poo.  They recommended sandblasting sand, which is black.  I bought a bag and mixed them.  Since it was in a paper bag, I didn’t rinse it.  The filter will take care of it.  Jim bought me a new canister filter which will work amazingly well to clear it out.  I’m still doing some research,  they have particular water parameters.  I will need to cycle the tank and raise the ph, and I ordered a heater for the tank that hasn’t arrived yet.  I am looking forward to trying something new.  I have wanted to do this for quite a while.  Jim was more in favor  of river fish,  I reminded him that we do have one unoccupied tank downstairs.  I could see the wheels turning. Not sure what I created there.  

I helped Jim burn some brush and mow some stuff.  And then - time in my happy place.  I’m feeling much more human this evening and thankful for a day of work and outside time.  And because I cannot be productive all the time, I sent Quincy to oversee Harper driving to town to get pizza for dinner.  

I got this photo from my board president’s wife.  She ran into Colin and Spencer in Ireland. I think it is funny that in Ireland they ran into people from home.  It’s a small world. 

I teased Colin that he is the only person I know who goes on a honeymoon and I get photos of him with a different woman!   

But I also got some photos of him with the right woman. They had fun touring the Guinness brewery. And had tickets to the game.  KSU didn’t win today, but they looked pretty good. Improvements will be made and the season is young. 

I can’t wait to hear more from these 2 about their trip. I’m thankful they got such a generous gift, and hope they had a great time! 

Tonight, Quincy has Landrie over. It is so nice to see her and get caught up on her life.  It has been a whole since we have seen her.  Quincy has decided to sit out this semester and figure some things out.  Which is completely fine.  College is too expensive to mess around, Also, thanks to the dismantling of the department of education, financial aide is up in the air a little bit. 

 

Cameron went to Manhattan today to watch the game with friends.  I believe he was meeting up and staying with Preston afterwards.  It sounded like fun, but not as much fun as staying home was.   Today was not the day I planned, but it was exactly the day I needed!