A little bit of my Thanksgiving brain

 

I have been deep in thought this Thanksgiving.  It has been weird for me. Tying to  be thankful, trying to count my blessings, trying to carry on tradition while also feeling a deep sense of sorrow at the empty seat that I can’t help but notice at our table this year. 

It is hard to grieve and feel blessed in the same timeframe for me.  I feel guilt at being the one who gets to carry on. At being left here to know my grandkids, and to be the one who gets to watch Clayton grow.   I’m feeling a little bit angry over the fact that I don’t feel like Eric’s life here should be over. But the problem is that those aren’t my decisions to make.  I don’t get to have any power over when people are born or when people die.  And I guess we are supposed to just accept it in blind faith. But I can’t accept it.  I can’t just say oh gee this is somehow God’s will and I am good with it.  Circle back to guilt.  Death is weird. It is messy and emotional and frustrating and filled with all the what if’s and the shoulda couldas.  And you cannot shut it off.  And about the time you think you have mastered your thoughts on it, bedtime hits and you lay there with your brain in the dark of night starting the whole thing over again. I can’t forget.  I can’t not be there for Clayton and my parents. I can’t not carry on traditions for my own kids and grandkids. I don’t want to stop living my life in a thankful way. Because I knew my brother. I know how life threw crap at him and yet he was never really angry, he expressed his anger in deep sorrow, and I think he would be very sad if we just stopped living because he was gone.  And I like to think he is with my grandparents and all my other relatives who have gone before us.  I hope they celebrate holidays playing  cards, and too many people,  and too much food and a few drinks  the way we always have.  I hope he is happy somewhere. Somehow. 

When Covid got bad people kept saying  “this is our new normal” and honestly that phrase pissed me off like nothing else about it did.  But now I keep thinking this is our new normal. And it still pisses me off.  I don’t like new normal.  I want things the way they have always been. I was am exceptionally lucky person,  to grow up the way I did. Surrounded by people who loved me.  To marry a man who loves me and our kids. Always with enough.  And I have worked really hard to make sure my own kids have enough.  Enough love. Enough of our attention. Enough food and warmth and the right supplies and clothes for whatever was happening.   And in a world where I have been this privileged, I think I am not very good at accepting when things aren’t perfect.  An inadequacy of mine. Something to work on I guess.  At the end of my days, I hope I will be judged for the effort put in, and not the results of my actions. 

Also this Thanksgiving, I have been saying some extra prayers for my friend Grace and her husband James.  He was diagnosed with leukemia.  He is spending the holidays in the hospital.  The type of leukemia he has is very aggressive, but also very treatable as long as you find it early, and treat it aggressively.  It is hard to have loved ones be sick and in the hospital, and it is hard to think about any outcome that is not positive.  I am praying for both of them, and for healing for James.  

Everything is worth  it when I sit beside all of my people and see how much love there is surrounding us. 

Turkey day

We had a nice Thanksgiving.  Mallory spent Wednesday here making desserts and pies.  We were entertained seeing how long Olive will stare at a ball before you throw it.  Answer- a very long time.  

Colin and Spencer stayed in Wichita.  Preston and Sunny went to Sterling.  The rest of our crew was here.  My mom and sister and Jim’s mom and brother and sister in law joined us for lunch.  Madison and Mallory did most of the work. Which I appreciated.  

It was a good day.  Filled with family, food and good conversations.  A few games and then dinner made of leftovers.  I am very thankful and abundantly blessed.  

 

Insignificant things

I bought all my kids a hat for Thanksgiving.  Andrew refused to take his.  I don’t know why. They are amazing!  So I gave his to my bus para in her birthday gift.  She was excited to wear it.   Sometimes bus paras are more fun than son-in-laws I guess. (love 

 you Andrew!). 

I had Jim pick up some repellant that Brian wanted while he was in town yesterday.  We don’t know if it works on rodents, but it does not work on Maude.  Yes she ate the jug. Luckily just the nozzle part and not the actual liquid.  She also ate my feather duster, a pumpkin I had for display purposes, and Jim’s wallet today.  Don’t ask who was supposed to be watching her - she is too fast.  I know in all the photos she looks lazy.  Those photos are deceiving!

I mentioned that Jim and the kids went on a little trip.  In my infinite wisdom, I decided to take Friday off from work so I could clean for Langsgiving.  I then got this wild hair and decided a small project while Jim was gone was both warranted and needed.  So after a long fair board meeting, Harper and I ran to town.  We bought a few cleaning supplies and some paint.  I bought some spray paint because I decided to paint my cabinet pulls.  And then I decided I was also going to paint this table and chairs I got for free that are in our breakfast nook.  Harper was not convinced it was the best idea.  Luckily or unfortunately, I have never listened to anyone once I decided something should happen. And so, with paint and cleaning supplies, we went home where I made a huge mess in the living room with paint and tables and chairs drying on plastic sheets, and I experimented on the pulls out in the garage and was happy as a pig in mud.  I also bounced around cleaning things, but literally finishing nothing.  It was heavenly.  I spent all day Friday messing with my projects and half cleaning.   Harper stayed home from school and she tacked most of the basement and the dining room.  Mallory got out of school at lunch time and stopped by to see if she could help.  Since I had to leave to drive the bus, I directed her towards painting the table and chairs.  Friday night, I stayed up way too late playing around with my little projects.  Saturday I got up early and was so mad at myself because I had not cleaned and was clearly behind despite taking off the day before.  So I got to work.  And then I got sidetracked.  First by my projects, then by a carpet shampooer that was clogged. And then by my cousin from KC showing up a day early.  (Sorry you caught me in my pajamas Brenda).   Mallory called Saturday evening to see if I needed help and I said YES!  So she came out and cleaned the kitchen and the refrigerator while I finished the rest of the house.  We got done, but I really need to rethink how I do things.  Or do I?  I mean after all, it got done, and I love how the table and chairs turned out.  I still have some work to do on them, but they look awesome.   

Jim and the kids had a great time on their trip.  Saige said despite really wanting to see the Bills play, she actually may have enjoyed the Mavericks game as much or more.  I am glad they got to go. 

Cameron sent me this funny picture of him at a friend’s wedding.  I saved it here, my intent being to put it up on the family wall at some point.  

My friend Julie sent me this photo a couple weeks ago.  It was found on an old camera at school.  I am so blown away by how fast this kid (these kids) grew up!  Quincy is working her buns off, and she makes me proud every day.  Not everyone can do the kind of work she is doing.  Such a good human she has turned out to be!  

And now, on to Thanksgiving break!  On the first day of break, the break gods gave to me - one CDL physical.  

thanks a bunch - just what I always wanted!

 

Langsgiving and a shower

Yesterday, we had Langsgiving and a baby shower here at our house.  I anticipated the day being a little bit difficult.  And we definitely had those moments.  I will never not miss my brother coming in here, dorky grin and a plate of jello jigglers.  We have to keep moving forward, even when we don’t want to. Focus on the good. On the things that we still have to do and to look forward to. 

Like watching these little turkeys grow and change.  

And maybe having a celebratory beer.  

And of getting one halfway decent Christmas card photo. 

And of course, the arrival of a new little one.  We are so excited for Easton to get here and for baby snuggles and the joy of having a house load of kids. 

And in the coming years, I hope the memories will all be good ones…even when the hole can’t be filled.  This is the quilt that my grandma Shirley made for Colin when he was a baby.  Easton also got a quilt that was started by my grandma and finished by his GG.  I thought I was taking photos of that quilt too, but apparently not.  Easton “lil Dale” will be wrapped in generations of love. 

i am thankful for so many blessings in our lives.   Especially my little turkeys.