Yesterday was the first day I have been home for a very long time. I know that people grieve differently. I chose to clean my house, look at projects we have been doing, propagate plants, cry in the strawberry patch, and I went grocery shopping by myself. I also bought a tree I am going to plant in honor of my brother in our yard.
Yesterday was also my mom’s birthday (and Friday was dad’s), so the girls and I went over to see her for a while. It was not the happiest occasion, but in this family, we at least acknowledge birthdays. All of them. My mom is my best friend. She is profoundly (understandably) sad right now and living a nightmare. I would do anything to make this better. Of course there is nothing. Nothing I can do or say, no amount of work, nothing. Some things just aren’t fixable.
In an attempt to find anything else to think about - I took some time to work on some things I have going on right now. The sunflowers are going crazy - as they always do in September. My grandfather hated them. And I know why - they are giant, everywhere, they choke out everything around them, are hard to weed out, and they stink. But I like them. They are beautiful. They seem to come from nowhere every fall. They brighten the whole landscape.
My biggest, and most stubborn project - also the cutest thing I have ever seen. She is doing a lot better. She listens like half the time now! But look how cute she is! She is not Jim’s favorite dog- but I know he loves her, just not as much as I do. She is wet all the time, smells like she needs a bath 10 seconds after she just had a bath, and she does what she wants. She also beats a path to me when I get home and almost trips herself to get to me. She is my baby girl.
It has been unseasonably cool here. My patio flowers seem to love this weather. Sometime soon, I hope to have time to just sit down there looking at them while I utilize my fire pit table. Probably not this week. But maybe someday! For the second year in a row, my coleus has beautiful flowers on it. Again I am amazed, as I thought this stuff was just a pretty filler plant. Again I am tempted to bring it indoors for the winter. Last year it didn’t go well.
It has taken 2 years, but Marge will now let me pet her and seems to like me. To the person who so severely abused her, you suck. Marge is my favorite cat. She has come so far.
Tooth is my least favorite. I know some would say you can’t pick a favorite but these are cats so I can do what I want.
Father Jo Junior is getting big! (Pictured above). He is still a tad bit on the wild side, not really enjoying snuggles or being held or carried around. It’s ok. He can just be aloof on the basement - we don’t mind.
This is Zoe. She is my brother’s dog. She obviously needed a new place to be. My dad is not a fan of hers, and I wanted her to still be in Clayton’s life. Clayton is happy about her being here, and so am I. She is some sort of a mix of Aussie, border collie, heeler and German shorthair. She is not a young dog, Sam thinks she is around 9 years old. She is well trained, listens really well, and she is adjusting. She has latched onto Jim, has figured out when you come in you get snacks, so she goes straight to the kitchen and sits down. It cracks me up. She also had a couple of nights where she barked and cried all night, but she has now been sleeping in her kennel and not keeping us up all night. Happy about the progress there. She is a bit of a runner, but I notice she seems to be sticking a little closer to the house the last couple of days. I hope she will be happy here. I feel like it’s going to be ok.
She has the most beautiful eyes. She also has a way of sort of guarding me when I am working around the yard. Between her and Ollie, nothing should be sneaking up on me I guess.
This sunflower is a little different from the wild ones, it grew up underneath where I feed the birds. I’m guessing it’s from the black oil sunflower seeds the cardinals like to eat.
Jim bought me a new filter for my tiurtle tank. I took their old filter to use for the outside goldfish tank. I’m very impressed with how well it worked down there.
I love my goldfish. They are so fun to watch.
The week ahead isn’t looking too good on a scale of funness. (It’s my blog I can invent words if I need to)
I am anticipating it with dread and sadness. My mom always told us to look for the good. I don’t see much good right now. But I do see some things to be thankful for so I am trying to focus on those.
- for the life of my brother. Not everyone has a brother who you can call on anytime and they will help you. Not everyone has a brother who makes you laugh. Not everyone has a brother who is generous with his time, with his abilities and with his helping spirit. My brother was all of those things.
- for Brian - who has stood firm in holding all of us up right now. He has made the hard phone calls, stood up for what was right, walked a million miles holding our hands, and at the end of it all, offered the best hugs and words of advice. Also for bringing his boys along and helping dad where they can. Eric’s boots are impossible to fill, but they are trying.
- for my baby sister - Amy. The work she has put into being everywhere and being everything and quietly standing in whatever needs stood on. Her quiet strength and her ability to see what is right and do it is amazing.
-For my parents - right now they are grieving, profoundly sad and shattered. But watching them lean on each other, taking comfort in each other presence. Making decisions together and showing us all what love is. And for raising us to know how to work hard, how to live hard, and how to be present with each other.
- for my own children (and their significant others). They have shown up, made long trips, brought food, held hands, stood by, cleaned things and been a constant source of love and steadfastness. I am proud of the people we raised.
- for my sister in law - Stephanie. We would have never made it without you. Your medical knowledge, the translations into common layman’s terms, patience and advice are invaluable. Your strength and love for all of us is overwhelming.
- I’m thankful for Clayton - knowing that my brother’s spirit lives on through a boy that both looks and acts like Eric is amazing. Also, the kid makes us laugh, tells us entertaining stories and gives us a positive focus.
- I am thankful for Sam - even though things did not work out with my brother, she is the source of most of the current photographs we have. I’m so glad she forced him to take them.
- I am thankful for living in a tight knit community. The outpouring of love, support, food, offers of help, and love has been amazing.
- and last, but most definitely not least. I am thankful for Jim. He is my rock, my person, my best friend. I am so thankful he knows when to sit quietly, when to just let me cry, when to set me straight on my thinking, when to be there to hold me up. When I starting dating him, I was just a kid. We have grown together, worked together and been pretty inseparable for the last 33 years. I could never have known in the beginning what an amazing gift he would be for my entire life. He is the absolute best person I know.
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