Disengagement

It’s Saturday.  I needed a Saturday.  

But to get go Saturday, you first have to go to the football game to watch (football if you are Jim) Clayton and Harper in the marching band halftime show.  

It was pretty good. They have been working hard and it showed.  

I do get a kick out of those 2.  They gossip all the way to the games. Harper always looks like she is being tortured.  Clayton just rolls with life.  They are so different personality wise it is amusing. But they both have snarky comebacks and both seem to be amazing at reading people and knowing their personalities. Sometimes I just listen to their conversations and giggle. I tried to mark the photos. Because when you have such amazing photography skills it is hard to find people.  

This week for some reason was hard.  Everything I touched seemed to have to be done the hard way.  I had 2 board meetings which seemed to dump more projects in my lap.  I mean, I know I get paid for doing these projects, but when I was asking for approval I was met with more research, more questions to answer, more meetings  and more engineering required. Not what I was hoping for.  And yes, I’ll get it done.  But I think I am also off emotionally and that is making my ability to be a positive, shining example of happiness that I usually am a little dim. (Yes I use sarcasm to deflect my feelings).  

Today Jim and I had plans to go to the auction in Clay center.  I was excited about going.  About spending a day with him doing something fun. About getting to see Preston and Sunny for a little bit. And then we went to leave for the game and I had a flat tire.  This is my 5th flat in 2 weeks and it made me physically sad. As in the tears welled up and I just couldn’t stop feeling sad. And I knew we had to get the tire fixed so we could drive the car, but it was too late to get it fixed yesterday.  So we left it at the shop and Jim said no worries we will just drive the truck.  But for some reason that wasn’t a solution I wanted to hear. I just didn’t want to go anymore.  I just couldn’t go.  And so I sat at the game and stewed on it and finally came to the conclusion that I just needed a day to disconnect.  A day to sit in my sadness and work at my house and maybe just disengage a little.   And so that is where I am today.  Gardening, closing up beds, cleaning out animal pens, putting my hands in the dirt.  Hoping to get my car back so I can get back to doing things tomorrow, because life just keeps moving. 

And I am thankful for Jim who doesn’t get upset at me pulling the plug on our plans. He just shrugged and said whatever you want is fine.  He gave me a hug and a little space to process.  It’s good to be married to a person who is flexible. I’m sorry we won’t get to go bid on quail and a kangaroo but not sorry that I get a day to wallow.