Today is our 30th anniversary. I think between taking a little trip with this man, and then the subsequent back pain he suffered as a result of that trip, I have been reflecting a little bit about marriage, and in particular about our relationship. Thirty years ago, I was 21 years old. I thought I knew a lot of stuff. I thought I was prepared for marriage, I mean after all, we took a marriage prep class, and a few of the couples didn't make it through, but we did. We had talked all about religion, finances, future children, communication, intimacy, differing viewpoints and politics. We knew a lot about each other, and had taken all the steps. We didn't fight while planning the wedding. We didn't fight when finding the perfect starter apartment, we managed through the death of our first pet. We got along amazingly. We were ready, we would be the best married couple ever! YEAAAA I didn't know squat!
Because marriage is messy. It is more than just getting along. It is about learning to deal with past trauma, with jealousy, with inadequacies, with being let down by the person you swore you would love forever no matter what. It is about being frustrated by your children (who you love dearly) and needing a break from them, and having a backup so that you can step away. It is about figuring out how to pay something off, just to be smacked in the head with a vehicle breakdown, or a hospital bill. About starting over, and over and over again to make things right when you fail. It is about taking care of someone when they are at their lowest point, or celebrating with them when they succeed with something only you knew they were dealing with. It is about small victories, and small defeats, and the day to day to day to day messiness of life. I have seen this man at his worst, and have had to remind myself that I do love him. He has seen me at my worst, and had to remind himself of the same thing. It is a choice that you cognitively make that you want to stay together, even when throwing in the towel would be easier. There is just no way you could take a class and prepare for it, and there is no way you could ever really know what you are getting into until you are in so deep getting out unscathed is not an option.
And I know this does not sound amazing, or awesome, or like something anyone would willingly choose, but I would choose it all over again in a heartbeat. Because the amazing thing about it is that the rewarding moments are so much more than the bad ones. The babies born, the grandkids we were given, the big, amazing blessings, the times when it is the end of the day, and you feel like life kicked the crap out of you, but your husband is there with a giant hug and a dorky joke. Those things make it all worth the effort.
And the thing about society saying opposites attract? I believe that nothing truer has ever been said. Jim is everything I am not. I am everything he is not. He is quiet, introspective, research and proof needed to make a decision, likes old tv shows, polite to a fault, loves old 80's feel good music, loves sports, and collects things that hold nostalgic memories for him. I am loud, chatty, love to make snap decisions, rarely watch tv unless it is the news, enjoys all sorts of music, hate clutter and collecting things (except craft supplies where I am a terrible hoarder), don't necessarily like organized sports (particularly professional ones), love all the pets and animals I can possess, love to follow politics and current events, and have no problems telling people where to stick it. Do you think these people don't have issues with how to handle life? It has been a lesson in patience more times than I care to admit. The thing is though, Jim also causes me to think about things from a different perspective. To research the things that I think are good ideas, and to take a moment to breathe before I speak, and those are true blessings. Having him around makes my life better. I am more than thankful for him, for our life together, and for the family we have created. I could never say it isn't worth the effort. Every single day we get to be together is a gift, and one I am grateful for.
Happy 30th Anniversary Jim! I love you.
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